Parenting Program Teaches Loving Techniques

When life hands you lemons, some say lemonade is the answer. And that’s exactly what Matthew Cooper, 39-year-old, single father of five, did when his wife left him over three years ago. He said he used the hurt and confusion as a catalyst to bolster his education about how humans communicate with each other. Then, Matthew said he developed a program to help others learn to communicate better with each other in hope hopes that they can avoid some of the pitfalls he had fallen into. And though his program, Positive Family Communication, focuses primarily on parenting, he said is it useful in communicative situations across the board.

The programs development was more of a personal conquest than a business venture, Matthew shared. After a brief emotional spiral downward, he said he started to look inward; asking himself questions like, “Why am I divorced? What wasn’t I doing?” as a way to learn how to move on. He said the inspiration for his forward propulsion came from a Mahatma Gandhi quote, “We must become the change we wish to see in the world.” Knowing in his heart that he felt there was truth in the sentiment; Matthew said he began to seek knowledge that would allow him to grow. “Rather than blaming my ex,” he said. “I looked at myself.”

The journey was not an easy one, but Matthew said that once he accepted the idea that he had to become a better communicator, everything just kind of fell into place. He said he found a number of books that were tremendously helpful. “One of those books was ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman,” he said; explaining that the book has now become part of the required text for his six-week, parent training program. Matthew emphasized that his book and accompanying DVD for PFC are an intense, but easily digested compilation of parental retraining techniques. He said the idea is to teach the parents how communication works, and how to use Positive Family Communication as a training tool for raising happy children.

The PFC PROGRAM

PFC is designed to teach parents how to communicate better with their children by teaching them how to understand and respond to each child’s individual communication style. Matthew said it focuses on three out of the five main learning patterns human beings possess; Auditory, Visual and Kinesthetic. “We as parents need to be the example to our children.” He said. “If we want them to listen to us, we need to listen to them. If we want them to not shout, we need to not shout.” He said parents have to hold themselves to the same rules that are established for their children, because parents can’t be an example if they are not willing to live by the same rules.

Consequence vs. Punishment

Matthew said one important tip for parents of children who test boundaries is to teach them the difference between a consequence and punishment. He said that understanding the concept is crucial to helping children take responsibility for their actions. PFC teaches that consequences are the natural results that come from making choices; consequences are not inherently good or bad, they simply are. A punishment however, by PFC standards, is imposed on a child by the parent, out of anger, spite, resentment or retaliation for the child's actions. “I understand that punishment is what we were taught by our parents as we were growing up,” Matthew said. “I can say that the punishments I received shaped me as I grew to adulthood. However, it wasn't as positive as it could have been.”

Setting Boundaries

Matthew said children need to understand that a consequence is their choice. Choosing positive consequences yield rewards like privileges and positive words; negative consequences result in removal of privileges, additional work or chores, reduction of freedoms. “By the child understanding what Consequences are and having the parent be consistent with the enforcement of the consequences, behavior can rapidly change,” he said. Matthew said parents should expect children to resist and rebel at first. “This is natural as they are testing their boundaries,” he added. “Once they realize that the boundaries are there and not moving, they will begin to comply and receive the benefits of working within this system.”

Just Breathe

An important factor when communicating with your child, is to remember to take a breath first, Matthew said. He said that if one breath isn’t enough, breathe until you are feeling like you can be the example of how you want your child to act. Next, he said, begin to ask appropriate questions using: who, what, when, where, why and how. “Asking questions in a positive way will influence your communication,” Matthew said. “For example, ‘What happened here?’ rather than, ‘Why did you do this again?’.” He said that by addressing the behavior and not the individual, parents can eliminate the opportunity for the child to feel as though they are being attacked. He said using this communication technique will help to gain cooperation and then children are more likely to share their perspective of what happened.

He said PFC is actually a branch off from a business he purchased in 2009 called Positive Control Systems. PCS was first developed by martial arts master Tom Garriga in the 1990’s as a way to teach troubled youth facilities how to redirect behavior in a positive way. The program also included therapeutic holding techniques for staff members to use when the teens become out of control.

The six week program through PFC is a comprehensive curriculum that takes parents through a step-by-step process to help them both, understand how to decipher their children’s language, and respond in positive ways that get results. Matthew said there is about 15-20 minutes of reading a week, and about the same amount of time invested into watching the videos on the DVD. Additionally there is homework to be done that allows parents to better understand how to implement PFC within the home. He said he program is self-motivated, but he is available for consultation by appointment to anyone who has purchased it. There is also a website devoted to supporting parents through the curriculum.

More information is available at http://positivefamilycommunication.com/